Practical ways to honor someone when you aren't included in their funeral, don't have their ashes, or feel their identity wasn't fully represented

Being left out of someone's funeral can create a second layer of grief.

You are already grieving the person.

Then you may also be grieving the fact that your relationship with them isn't being acknowledged.

Maybe you were their partner, but their family referred to you as a friend.

Maybe you were chosen family and weren't included in funeral planning.

Maybe the service used a name or pronouns your loved one no longer used.

Maybe the ceremony represented a version of the person you barely recognized.

These aren't hypothetical problems. A 2026 review of 18 studies on LGBTIQ+ partner bereavement identified recurring themes including invisibility and lack of recognition of relationships, management of disclosure and identity, social isolation, family rejection, and the important role of chosen family.

Claudia Carvell, chair of Co-op's Respect LGBTQ+ Network, describes LGBTQ+ bereavement as “grief plus some.” She also notes that the death of someone in your chosen family can bring “an added layer of isolation.”

So here's the idea I want to start with:

The funeral is not the only memorial.

If you weren't given the opportunity to remember someone in a way that feels truthful, you can create another place for that remembrance to exist.

You don't need permission for your relationship to have mattered.

— Elsa Mou, Certified Bereavement Counselor & Co-Founder of G’Night Fetcher

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Photo: Chosen family gathering privately to remember someone they loved. Source: G’Night Fetcher.

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Can Chosen Family Hold Their Own Memorial?

Yes.

A funeral organized by someone's family of origin doesn't prevent friends, partners or chosen family from creating another remembrance.

And that second memorial doesn't need to imitate a funeral.

It could be four people having dinner.

Twenty friends gathering in someone's backyard.

A hike.

A playlist.

A night at their favorite bar.

A video call between people who live in different cities.

Or everyone sitting around a kitchen table telling stories.

The important question isn't:

“How do we recreate the funeral we weren't invited to?”

It's:

“How would our person actually want to be remembered by us?”

That's a much more useful place to begin.

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I Was Left Out of the Funeral. What Can I Actually Do Now?

If the funeral has already happened—or you know you won't be included—you may be wondering what options are still available.

Start here.

1. Preserve what could disappear

Before worrying about creating a formal memorial, preserve the pieces of the relationship you already have.

That might include:

• Photographs
• Text messages
• Voice messages
• Emails
• Letters
• Videos
• Playlists
• Handwriting
• Recipes
• Cards
• Photographs shared by mutual friends

Digital accounts and devices can become inaccessible, so don't assume everything will always remain available.

2. Find the people who knew the same version of them

Ask:

Who else knew this person as I did?

That might include friends, coworkers, former partners, neighbors, members of an LGBTQ+ community or other chosen family.

You don't need twenty people.

Sometimes three people around a kitchen table can preserve more of someone's actual personality than a formal ceremony can.

3. Decide whether your memorial should be public or private

You can create a memorial that nobody outside your chosen family ever sees.

That's particularly important if your loved one wasn't publicly out.

Ask:

What did this person choose to make public while they were alive?

Use that—not your frustration with the official funeral—to guide what you disclose after their death.

4. Identify what was missing

Don't simply recreate the funeral.

Ask what it failed to preserve.

Was it their chosen name?

Their partner?

Their friendships?

Their humor?

Their LGBTQ+ community?

The life they built?

Their activism?

Their ordinary everyday personality?

Build your memorial around what deserves not to disappear.

5. Choose the form only after you know the purpose

Once you know what you're trying to preserve, the memorial itself becomes easier to choose.

It might be a dinner, a memory book, a private digital archive, a tree, a playlist, a piece of jewelry, a photograph, a yearly Pride tradition, a donation, a tattoo, a trip—or simply a gathering where everyone tells the stories that weren't told at the funeral.

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Photo: Preserving photographs, stories and personal records can be the first step in creating a chosen-family memorial. Source: G’Night Fetcher.

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The G’Night Fetcher Chosen-Family Memorial Framework

When an official funeral doesn't represent the person you knew, I recommend building another memorial around five questions.

1. Who were they when they felt most like themselves?

Think about the environments, relationships and communities where they seemed most comfortable.

That's often a better starting point than an obituary.

2. Who did they consider family?

Don't organize the memorial according to a traditional family tree.

Think about their relationships.

Who did they call when something wonderful happened?

Who had their spare key?

Who spent holidays with them?

Who knew what they were afraid of?

Who knew who they really were?

3. What did they want other people to know about them?

Someone may have been openly LGBTQ+ everywhere.

Someone else may have disclosed their identity only to certain people.

Respecting identity also means respecting privacy.

Recent research specifically identifies disclosure management around sexual orientation and gender identity as part of the LGBTQ+ partner-bereavement experience.

4. Which symbols actually belonged to them?

Maybe the rainbow flag was deeply meaningful.

Maybe it wasn't.

Perhaps the symbol that instantly makes everyone think of them is a sunflower, a motorcycle, a Beyoncé song, a Dungeons & Dragons character or an atrocious Hawaiian shirt.

Use their symbols, not the symbols you think their demographic requires.

5. What can we preserve that the official memorial didn't?

A name.

A relationship.

A photograph.

A story.

A community.

A version of someone's life that deserves to continue being remembered.

That's where chosen family can play an extraordinary role.

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The G’Night Fetcher Memorial Truth Test

Before deciding what belongs in the memorial, try this exercise.

Complete five sentences:

They called themselves ________.

The people they considered family were ________.

They felt most like themselves when ________.

They would want people to remember ________.

They would absolutely hate it if their memorial ________.

That fifth question matters.

Sometimes memorial planning becomes so focused on being respectful that the person's actual personality disappears.

If your friend hated lilies, don't choose lilies because they look appropriately funeral-like.

If your partner hated formal clothes, perhaps everyone doesn't need to arrive in black suits.

If Pride was central to their life, don't erase it to make other people comfortable.

If Pride wasn't particularly important to them, don't turn their memorial into a rainbow-themed event simply because they were LGBTQ+.

The test isn't:

“Does this look like an appropriate memorial?”

It's:

“Would someone who knew this person walk into this space and immediately recognize them?”

If the answer is yes, you're probably getting closer.

— Elsa Mou, Certified Bereavement Counselor & Co-Founder of G’Night Fetcher

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What If the Funeral Didn't Represent Who They Really Were?

Don't make your memorial a correction of the other funeral.

Make it a more complete representation of the person.

Gather the people who knew different pieces of their life and ask everyone one question:

“What is something about them you don't want the world to forget?”

Write down the answers.

You may hear:

Their terrible jokes.

The nickname everybody called them.

The way they showed up when someone was struggling.

The music they loved.

The causes they fought for.

The clothes they wore.

Their chosen name.

The restaurant where everybody gathered.

The person they became after finally feeling comfortable enough to be themselves.

Those details are the beginnings of a memorial.

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What If I Wasn't Invited to My Partner's Funeral?

This can be one of the hardest versions of this experience.

Research on LGBTQ+ partner bereavement has found that relational invisibility, family rejection and lack of recognition can complicate bereavement. The newest scoping review also concludes that traditional models of bereavement care do not always adequately capture these experiences.

If this happened to you, consider creating a memorial specifically around your relationship.

You might:

• Gather photographs from your life together
• Preserve texts, letters and voice messages
• Invite mutual friends to dinner
• Visit somewhere important to you
• Play music you shared
• Create a photo book
• Plant something
• Establish an annual birthday ritual
• Donate to something they cared about
• Keep or wear something associated with them

You don't have to recreate a funeral.

You're creating a place for your relationship to be remembered.

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A Personal Memorial and Legal Authority Are Different Things

There's an important distinction here.

Creating your own memorial does not necessarily give you legal authority over someone's body, cremated remains, funeral arrangements, estate, accounts or property.

Those questions can depend on location, legal relationships, estate documents and arrangements made before death.

But legal authority over someone's remains is not the same thing as remembrance.

You may not control the funeral.

You may not receive the ashes.

You may not control the obituary.

And you can still gather people who loved them, preserve stories and photographs you lawfully possess, continue traditions and create your own remembrance.

If a dispute involves remains, property, estate rights or funeral decision-making, seek appropriate local legal guidance rather than relying on a general grief article.

This article addresses a different question:

What can you create when the official memorial doesn't contain your relationship or the person you knew?

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What If I Don't Have Any of Their Ashes?

You don't need someone's cremated remains to create a memorial.

This is particularly important for chosen family.

If someone's legal next of kin controls the remains, you may never receive any ashes.

That doesn't make your memorial less meaningful.

You can memorialize someone through:

Photographs.

Stories.

Their handwriting.

Clothing.

Music.

Letters.

Traditions.

Places.

Objects they gave you.

Things you create because of them.

Sometimes the most emotionally significant memorial object isn't an urn.

It's something completely ordinary that carries a story only you understand.

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Photo: Ordinary belongings can preserve a relationship even when you don't have someone's ashes. Source: G’Night Fetcher.

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How Do I Memorialize a Trans or Nonbinary Person Respectfully After Death?

Start with a simple principle:

Preserve the identity the person actually lived—not the identity other people may assign to them after death.

That can mean using:

• The name they used
• Their pronouns
• Photographs they liked
• Their own words
• Clothing and objects they chose
• Stories from people who knew them as themselves

But there's an important complication.

Respecting identity doesn't always mean making identity public.

Suppose a transgender friend was out to you and a small circle of friends but deliberately wasn't out to their family, employer or broader community.

A public memorial could disclose something they intentionally kept private.

So ask two separate questions:

Who were they?

and:

Who did they choose to tell?

A private chosen-family memorial might recognize the person's identity within the group of people to whom they had disclosed it, while a public memorial can respect boundaries they maintained during life.

There isn't a universal formula.

When the person's wishes are known, their choices should guide the memorial more than our desire to make a statement on their behalf.

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What If Their Family Doesn't Recognize Our Relationship?

You cannot always control how another family describes a relationship.

You can control whether the relationship disappears from your own history.

Preserve it.

Write down how you met.

Save photographs.

Keep letters.

Record stories.

Ask mutual friends for their memories.

Write down the stupid arguments and private jokes too.

Those mundane details matter because relationships aren't made only from milestone moments.

They're made from ordinary Tuesdays.

Your memorial doesn't need to convince someone else that the relationship was real.

It can simply preserve the fact that it was.

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What Should a Chosen-Family Memorial Actually Look Like?

There is no standard format.

That's one of its advantages.

The Memory Table

Ask everyone to bring one object, photograph or story representing the person.

Put everything together and have each person explain what they brought.

The Story Dinner

Cook or order food the person loved.

Everyone comes prepared with one story others may not know.

With everyone's permission, record those stories so they aren't lost.

The Place

Meet somewhere associated with them.

A beach.

A park.

A restaurant.

A friend's apartment.

A hiking trail.

A neighborhood.

The Annual Ritual

Do something every year.

Their birthday.

Pride.

The anniversary of their death.

Or some completely unrelated date that meant something to your group.

The Living Legacy

Support something they cared about.

Volunteer.

Donate.

Mentor someone.

Create a scholarship.

Continue work they believed mattered.

The memorial becomes something that happens, rather than something you own.

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Photo: A story dinner can become a chosen-family memorial centered on shared memories. Source: G’Night Fetcher.

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What If Pride Was Important to Them?

Then Pride can absolutely become part of their memorial.

But use Pride symbolism because it belonged to them, not merely because they were LGBTQ+.

You might include:

• Their actual Pride flag
• A photograph from Pride
• A pin they wore
• Flowers in meaningful colors
• Artwork
• Clothing
• A donation to an LGBTQ+ organization
• Pride-themed jewelry
• Music or photographs from their community

Sometimes the symbolism can be extremely subtle.

A memorial doesn't need to announce someone's identity to everyone who sees it.

It can contain a symbol whose meaning is understood primarily by the person keeping it.

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What If Pride Wasn't Important to Them?

Then don't force it.

This distinction matters.

A lesbian who spent every June at Pride might love rainbow symbolism throughout her memorial.

Another lesbian might have preferred orchids, jazz and absolutely no rainbow anything.

Both memorials can authentically honor LGBTQ+ people.

Representation means recognizing someone's actual identity—not decorating their death according to a demographic category.

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What If I Want Something That Represents Our Relationship—but Nobody Else Needs to Understand It?

Not every memorial needs to explain itself publicly.

Sometimes the most meaningful symbol is almost invisible to everyone except the person keeping it.

It might be a flower, an engraved phrase, a song, a tattoo, a color, a charm, a photograph inside a wallet, a piece of jewelry or an object from a trip you took together.

For LGBTQ+ partners and chosen family, private symbolism can be especially meaningful when the relationship wasn't universally recognized—or when the person valued privacy.

A rainbow, for example, can communicate Pride very clearly.

But in a small piece of jewelry, it can also simply look like color.

The wearer gets to know what it means.

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When Does Rainbow Cremation Jewelry Make Sense?

If you have received a small portion of someone's ashes and rainbow symbolism genuinely belonged to the person or your relationship, cremation jewelry is one way to combine those meanings.

I wouldn't recommend rainbow memorial jewelry simply because someone was LGBTQ+.

The question is whether the symbol feels like them.

G’Night Fetcher's Rainbow Memorial Necklace for Human Ashes is deliberately small and discreet. According to the product specifications, its pendant measures 13 × 6 × 12 millimeters—smaller than a U.S. dime—and its internal compartment holds approximately 0.427 cubic inches, or a small dash, of cremated remains. It is therefore a keepsake rather than a replacement for a primary urn.

The piece can represent two ideas simultaneously:

This represents who you were.

And:

I carry a small part of you with me.

Explore the G’Night Fetcher Rainbow Memorial Necklace for Human Ashes

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Photo: G’Night Fetcher Rainbow Memorial Necklace worn as a discreet personal memorial. Source: G’Night Fetcher.

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What If I Don't Want Anyone to Know It's a Memorial?

That's okay.

Not every memorial needs an explanation.

A piece of jewelry can look like jewelry.

A photograph can sit among other photographs.

A particular flower can grow in your garden.

A playlist can live on your phone.

A tradition can happen once a year without anyone outside your chosen family understanding why.

Private remembrance is still remembrance.

This can be especially important when the relationship itself was private or when disclosure could reveal something the person didn't choose to make public.

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What If I'm Angry About Being Excluded?

You may be.

Exclusion can become tangled together with the death itself.

But when creating the memorial, consider giving the anger somewhere other than the center.

The official funeral may have been about exclusion.

Your memorial can be about the person.

Their laugh.

Their friends.

Their relationship with you.

Their identity.

Their ridiculous opinions.

Their music.

Their life.

You don't have to let the people who excluded you determine the emotional character of the memorial you create afterward.

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A Funeral Is an Event. Remembrance Is Much Bigger.

One ceremony cannot contain an entire human life.

And one group of people doesn't necessarily possess every important version of someone's story.

Parents may know one.

A partner knows another.

Childhood friends know another.

Chosen family may know the version of someone who finally became comfortable enough to say:

This is who I am.

If that version wasn't represented at the funeral, it doesn't have to disappear.

Preserve the photographs.

Record the stories.

Use their name.

Gather the people.

Cook the food.

Play the music.

Wear the necklace.

Plant the tree.

Say the things that weren't said.

You can create another place where the person you knew continues to be remembered truthfully.

— Elsa Mou, Certified Bereavement Counselor & Co-Founder of G’Night Fetcher

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Quick Answers About LGBTQ+ Chosen-Family Memorials

I was excluded from my partner's funeral. Can I have another memorial?

Yes. A separate memorial can center your relationship, mutual friends, chosen family, stories and the version of your partner you knew. It doesn't need to recreate the official funeral.

How do I memorialize chosen family when I don't have their ashes?

Use what you do have: photographs, messages, stories, belongings, traditions, music and relationships with mutual friends. Cremated remains aren't required for a meaningful memorial.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that isn't adequately acknowledged or socially recognized. Research on LGBTIQ+ partner bereavement identifies relational invisibility and lack of recognition as important features of some people's experiences.

How do I honor a transgender friend who wasn't out to everyone?

Respect both their identity and the privacy boundaries they maintained while alive. Consider who will see the memorial before publicly revealing information they deliberately kept private.

What if someone's biological family doesn't acknowledge me as their partner?

You may not control the family's funeral or legal decisions, but you can preserve your relationship through photographs, stories, gatherings, rituals and personal memorials. Legal disputes involving remains, funeral authority, property or an estate require jurisdiction-specific advice.

Can chosen family create a memorial without permission from biological family?

People can create personal remembrances and gatherings, but doing so does not itself give someone legal rights over the deceased person's remains, estate, property or official funeral arrangements.

Is it okay to keep a memorial private?

Yes. Memorialization doesn't need to be public to be meaningful.

Does cremation jewelry hold all of someone's ashes?

Generally, no. Cremation jewelry is designed for a small amount of remains. G’Night Fetcher's Rainbow Memorial Necklace, for example, holds approximately 0.427 cubic inches—a small dash—according to its current specifications.

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About the Author

Elsa Mou is a Certified Bereavement Counselor and Co-Founder of G’Night Fetcher, a memorial and grief-support brand focused on helping families navigate pet and human loss through educational resources and thoughtfully designed memorial keepsakes.

Elsa's work sits at the intersection of bereavement support, memorialization and design, with particular interest in how people preserve identity, relationships and connection after death.

Elsa has been invited to speak at DEADTalks, hosted by the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association (ICCFA), and has written for TalkDeath. G’Night Fetcher's own About page documents her DEADTalks invitation and death-care writing work.

Learn more about Elsa Mou and G’Night Fetcher

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About G’Night Fetcher

G’Night Fetcher is a design-focused memorial and grief-support brand creating distinctive keepsakes for pet and human loss.

The collection includes decorative cremation urns, discreet cremation jewelry, grief-support cards and other memorial keepsakes. Its human cremation-jewelry collection currently includes Rainbow and Treasure memorial necklaces, while the broader brand also offers handmade urns and grief-support products.

G’Night Fetcher's guiding idea is simple:

The objects we use to remember someone we love don't have to feel generic, clinical or hidden away.

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Expert Sources & Further Reading

2026 Scoping Review: Bereavement Following the Loss of a Partner Among LGBTIQ+ Individuals — PubMed

Full Open-Access 2026 LGBTIQ+ Bereavement Review

Co-op Funeralcare: LGBTQ+ Bereavement Support

These sources are particularly useful because they address the evidence behind relational invisibility, chosen family, disclosure and the additional stressors that can accompany LGBTQ+ bereavement.